JK Rowling’s literary editor Geoff Bishop today issued a heartfelt plea for the protestors who were recently photographed outside the bestselling author’s Aberfeldy estate to please leave Ms Rowling alone, lest she be inspired to write another fucking crime fiction epic.
“Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not distract Jo from doing what she is good at. I know everyone thinks they can write a kid’s book, but if it was that easy, we’d all be doing it.
“She’s obviously stumbled on a formula that sells, so it’s my job to feed her cake and what she thinks is good wine, and let her sit in her castle writing about the Jabberwocky that saved Christmas, or a Gandalf spin-off prequel, so we can continue to print the money that pays for my child support.
“The trouble is,” continued Geoff, “Every so often, some current events tidbit penetrates the castle walls, and Jo decides it’s time to write something set in the real world. Or what she thinks is the real world. And I’m the one who has to fucking read it.”
“Five novels about private detective Cormoran Strike and his girl wonder Robin. Fucking five. And they’re all ten thousand pages long, and of course she wants feedback on all of them. She’ll ask me something like ‘What did you think of the big plot twist?’ and it’ll turn out she’s referring to the trans character not being the main murderer.
“I can’t take it any more. I can’t take another endless parade of mockney stereotypes spouting dialogue that even Jason Statham would tell Guy Ritchie is a bit much. Or a wise Jamaican woman speaking in phonetic patois that I have to suggest she tones down, tactfully enough that she won’t start throwing ornaments at me again.
“Look at these fucking scars on my hand. See all those little pinpricks? That’s from when she threw a potted succulent at me, and I instinctively caught it. Just because I dared suggest that maybe the only Asian character shouldn’t be a dry cleaner called Mrs Chong.”
Asked if he had any sympathy with the trans rights protestors, Mr Bishop insisted that he did.
“Look, I get it. Obviously she’s the least qualified person in the world to speak publicly on gender issues. And I’ve tried to shut her up. I finally persuaded her that the wing of the castle best suited for her writing work is the one that just happens to have the weakest wi-fi signal.
“But occasionally a Tweet gets through, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Some women just won’t fucking wheesht.”