Average Garden Chainsaw - An interview with Kevin Eldon

You may not instantly know who he is, but if you've ever seen an episode of Fist Of Fun, I'm Alan Partridge, This Morning With Richard Not Judy or The Comedy Network, his unique brand of character comedy will be familiar to you. So what really gets Kevin Eldon's proverbial goat? 

In the last episode of "Lee And Herring's This Morning With Richard Not Judy", you used the word "twat" on Sunday lunchtime television. Did anyone complain? 

Yes, there were some complaints. Actually, two weeks ago, all BBC departments and some independant production companies were sent circulars prohibiting any use of the word before the watershed as "in some parts of the country it has the same meaning as the C word". That's what they said. The twats. 

Do you get recognised often? If so, what catchphrase do fans call out to you the most often? 

No, not often, thank God. People mostly shout "Will you leave my shopping alone." 

Your characters are often fuelled by some brutal observations, recognisable from people we all know. Is there anyone you really hate? 

No. There are however some people I view with great disapprobation. 

Whichever programme you're in, you seem happy to play a minor supporting role while other performers hog the camera. Do you have any desires you do your own show, or at least one with you playing the central character? 

I don't really want to do my own show. It's too much hard work. I would like to have a good part in a really brilliant sitcom. Shame there aren't any around. 

What inspires your stand-up comedy material? 

I don't do stand up any more, but I suppose it was whatever made me laugh. It didn't always work, obviously. 

Who impresses you the most out of the current crop of new stand-up comedians? 

How new? I like Bill Bailey, Sean Lock, Julian Barrett and Simon Munnery. And Harry Hill. Oh, there's loads. 

Do you know any great stories about other comedians? I know the one about Lee Evans crossing the Scottish border on his way to find a gig, before looking in his diary and finding only the word "Scotland". 

Yes. Phil Jupitus trained as a ballet dancer. In Glasgow from 1983-86. 

What's the absolute funniest thing in the world? 

My Uncle George pretending to be mentally challenged as he parked his car in 1975. 

Are there any comedians or types of comedy that really piss you off? 

Bland observation - "doesn't it hurt when you trip over". Basically any cock-faced bad-haired American comedian on Just for Laughs who has a comedy career plan. 

What advice would you give to any budding stand-up comedians? 

Don't panic. 

Have you any idea what Chris Morris is working on at the moment? Can we expect another series of Brass Eye? 

Chris is working on another one of his crazy projects right now. He's working with Gerry Anderson on a sort of sci-fi puppet satire show. They start filming in February and they've got some great voices lined up: Leslie Phillips and Emma Thompson being just two. 

What are your immediate plans for the future? Any long-term ambitions left to fulfil? 

I'm about to start filming a sketch show for BBC 2 called Big Train which is mostly written by the Father Ted boys Graham Linehen and Arthur Matthews. Me and four other actors are doing the main parts in it. 

What's the best joke you've ever heard? 

Knock knock 

Who's There? 

Leather thong 

Leather thong who? 

(sings) Leather thong in my heart..... 

I've been emailing Richard Herring asking for an interview, but he hasn't replied yet. Can you give me a personal secret about him that I can get his attention with, even if he only wants to know how I found out? 

When he was on a holiday in France with the sixth form when he was seventeen, he had full sex with an hermaphrodite in the Latin Quarter. 

While we're at it, can you give me one about Stewart Lee that I can scare him with at Glastonbury? 

Stewart Lee reads tarot cards for his friends. 

Can you give us a Tony Blair joke? I promise not to interrupt you. 

It's all in the vocal delivery, my son. It would cheapen it to just write it down. Yeah, I could write down in notated form the first few bars of Beethoven's fifth but... I think you know what I mean. 

You're something of an icon to those insomniacs among us who find ourselves eating fish fingers and watching late night TV when all sensible people are asleep. Do you have any obscure favourite shows that we might not have stumbled upon? 

No obscure ones. Watch the Likely Lads re-runs. Brilliant. The first series is the best. 

Finally, let's pretend that you've seen Average Garden Chainsaw. Can you give us an endorsement that we can quote you on? 

As our world collapses around us economically, environmentally, spiritually and morally, it's good that Average Garden Chainsaw is around to take up the slack and drag us out of this sad and sorry mess. I salute you! 

That's about it. Thanks a lot for taking the time to talk to us. Cheers.


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