Smirking, gum-chewing Tim Davie very sorry if Lily Cade offended you

Standing atop an upturned milk-crate during a reluctant, impromptu press conference outside Broadcasting House this morning, BBC Director General Tim Davie, slouching with hands in pockets, gave an official apology for the BBC’s recent platforming of Lily Cade.

Cade had become the subject of controversy after being featured as the only named source in a recent article on the “cotton ceiling”, a phenomenon which alleges the sexual coercion of lesbians by trans women.

However, in the week following the article’s publication, it emerged that adult actress Cade was herself a serial predator of lesbian women, who has since published a violent manifesto calling for the execution of transgender women, described within as a “pedophile cult”.

Visibly chewing gum and barely restraining a smirk, the BBC Director General today gave his first public response to calls to apologise to the transgender community and take the article down.

“I’m very, very sorry if the nasty porn lady hurt your feelings,” said Davie, rolling his eyes at a nearby friend. “I understand that it must be ever so traumatic if she didn’t use your preferred pronouns or whatever.”

At this point, Mr Davie extended his bottom lip in a sarcastic display of sadness, and mimed slapping himself on the wrist. “Bad BBC,” he added, to audible laughter from two friends leaning against the wall of Broadcasting House while smoking.

The Director General then produced a crumpled piece of paper from his blazer pocket which he began to read from.

“The BBC is committed to telling stories from the LQBTQ+ community and has a – shut up, Paul, stop making me laugh – and has a specialist correspondent dedicated to bringing these stories to a wider audience.

The BBC approaches every story with the same rigorous impartiality.”

Mr Davie retrieved a cigarette from behind his ear and dramatically hopped down from the milk crate to join his mates, leaving Opium Tea to consult community leaders on the adequacy of this response.

Head of Stonewall, Nancy Kelly, was cautiously optimistic. “Obviously this apology was insincere, sarcastic, and given under duress.

“But relative to the absolute lack of the slightest hint of accountability for the institutional transphobia currently running rampant in the UK, we’re going to have to take what we can get and count this one as a win.”